A few years ago, I had an opportunity to spend three months at a state facility that housed incarcerated youths. Over that time period, I interviewed about one hundred children that had been convicted of serious cri
mes. On my first day, I was given a tour of the facility and walked into a small room that resembled a school classroom. I looked around and observed an adult at the front of the room reading a book to a group of 18 to 20 children. They were all sitting on small plastic chairs arranged in a circle and they were all ten years old or younger. A scrawny little eight year old boy looked up at me and as soon as we made eye contact, the adult reading yelled, “Eye’s front!” sharply at which time the small boy turned his head back towards his book. Every child in that room had either raped or killed someone.
At the end of each interview, I always made time to talk to the child about their future. There are few second chances in life, and while some of these children had sentences long enough to carry them into adult prison, most of them would be released and given a clean record. I wanted to help each child understand the magnitude of this rare opportunity at this crux in their lives. Here was the chance to move forward just like any other child, or to fall right back down, this time into an adult world where records didn’t go away.
I remember my first interview at the facility. As I talked to this child, I couldn’t help but feel some quiet restrain in my words. I wanted him to listen; to understand. I struggled with how to break through to this hardened little boy who had been talked at, corrected, guided and told so many times before that he needed to straighten up his life and make something of himself…and, that the opportunity to do so was not yet lost. So, there I was giving my very best coaching, thinking all the while that this child must be thinking to himself, “Yeah, yeah, yeah…I’ve heard this a thousand times and will you EVER shut up?” At the end of the interview, I concluded my appeal and then surrendered to the child’s will by saying, almost under my breath, “I bet you’re tired of hearing people tell you that you can change your life”. I will never forget that child looking up at me and saying, “No. Nobody has ever told me that before.”
Every child I interviewed during those three months uttered those same words, “No. Nobody has ever told me that before”. I left that facility asking myself where the answers were to the question of why human beings hurt other human beings. What are the root causes and what are the most effective solutions to address those issues? I believe that some of those children will go on to live normal lives and make good of themselves, but I have to tell you, the hard truth is that most of them will not. Perhaps prevention is the best cure.
I cannot guarantee that giving constant guidance will keep your children out of serious trouble, but I can tell you that not having any guidance is a common trait among incarcerated youths. I think that sometimes, we get so hyper-focused on telling kids what not to do, that we forget to tell them what they can do and who they can become.